But I Thought You Were..

I’ve wanted to write this entry for a while but I didn’t really know how. I didn’t know how or where to start. I was embarrassed about sharing this with all of you. I didn’t realize it at the time but quitting my job triggered my fall into a semiserious depression. It started right before New Year’s when I got into a bad mood that I just couldn’t seem to shake. I thought it was just a bad case of pms but my period came and went and I was getting worse instead of better. It was around this time that my feelings towards my boyfriend started to shift. And I got really scared.

The week before I was completely in love. I remember one night I was almost in tears because we couldn’t spend the night together. My feelings for him were stronger than anything I had ever felt in my entire life. Then almost as if a switch had been flipped; I didn’t feel that way anymore. Everything about him seemed to annoy me and I started criticizing and picking apart every flaw he had. I was confused because I didn’t know how it was possible to love someone so much and then just have that love dissipate. Did this mean I never truly loved him? That is what scared me; that I couldn’t trust my own feelings. Maybe I really had no idea what love was and maybe I never would.

Throughout my relationship with Jay, we had always been very open and honest about everything. I tried to explain to him what was going on in my head but it didn’t make sense to me so I definitely couldn’t help him make sense of it. At this point the dots weren’t yet connected that I may be in a depressed state. I thought I was just being my normal destructive self and fucking up a good thing I had going. I felt guilty for hurting him and I hated myself for doing so. I decided that we should break up because it wasn’t fair for him to date me like this. I wasn’t feeling in love with him. In fact, I wasn’t feeling any romantic connection with him so I told him I couldn’t be his girlfriend anymore.

I was a mess. When I wasn’t crying I was on the verge of tears. I went out of town with my mom for a few days right after the break up. We had to go get some tests done regarding her health so that was another thing that was weighing heavy on my mind. I talked to her in great length about the break up and she couldn’t make sense of it either; she knew how happy I was with him. She saw the state of mind I was in and she told me that she was pretty sure I was depressed. She’s seen me have a pattern of highs and lows since I was a teenager but I was never actually diagnosed with depression. I had a lot of the symptoms: an overwhelming sense of sadness and hopelessness, trouble sleeping and/or sleeping all damn day, changes in appetite, zero motivation, feeling guilty, low sex drive, no energy, etc. This would also explain my abrupt change of feelings toward Jay. It was like I was blocked to feeling any kind of affection towards him. It gave me a tiny sense of relief to know that it wasn’t him, there was nothing wrong with him- it was me. I was literally incapable of feeling in love with him at the moment.

Once I got back into town after my mom’s doctors’ appointments my normal days consisted of sleeping half the day away and spending the other half lying in bed zoning out in front of the tv. Most days I wouldn’t shower or even put actual clothes on. I had absolutely no desire to do anything. I had no job to go to and I felt like my life lacked purpose. I was still in contact with Jay but I felt guilty about it. I didn’t think it was fair for me to be hanging around when I knew how he felt about me and I was such a mess. I didn’t know if my feelings for him would ever come back. I spent so much time questioning why this had to happen and wishing that I would just wake up one day with all of my lovey dovey feelings for him restored. Every other day I was telling him we couldn’t talk anymore but I couldn’t stay away. I would lay awake at night thinking of him and wishing I were in his arms.

Realizing that I was depressed brought mixed emotions. I was glad to understand why I was feeling the way I was but I was also very frustrated because there was really nothing I could do about it. I have no job and no insurance so there was no way I could go to a therapist or see a doctor that could prescribe meds if that’s what I needed to balance me out. I felt like my life was on hold. Having a problem and not being able to fully address it or fix it is pretty heartbreaking. And as I said before, it was embarrassing to talk about. My friends kept asking me what was wrong but there wasn’t just one thing. When I told them I was depressed they assumed I was just having a bad day; this was a lot worse than that.

As I write this now I’m not sure how many of my friends know that I’ve been dealing with this or how serious it is. I’m not completely out of the woods but I’m not in as dark of a place as I was two weeks ago. I feel like I’m starting to thaw out; that’s the best way I can think of describing how I’m feeling. I’m actually starting to feel again; I’m completely numb anymore. But I’m scared that I could slip back into that dark place at any time. I’m still looking for work and hoping I find something soon so I have a reason to get out of bed every morning because I need that structure. Once I have a steady job again I’m going to look for a therapist who will work with me and my lack of health insurance. Right now I’m doing the best I can on my own with the help of my family and friends who help me more than they even know; especially Jay. I am probably one of the hardest girls to date and even after we broke up he never left my side. I’m not sure if we’ll get back together but I don’t want to stress it anymore. I saw him recently and I felt something again. I’m hoping in time, as I continue working on getting back to myself, those feelings will continue to grow. I still have hope that if we’re meant to be together we’ll get there. Right now I just want to take things as they come and live in the moment.

One day at a time.